alivingfamily Ancient Wisdom for Modern Living

BIG IDEAS

• Autonomy: “a feeling that we are the initiators of much of what we do”
• The act of choosing is more important than the choices themselves. (169)
• Drawbacks of constricted autonomy (169)
  • aggravation
  • depression
  • physical illness
  • see Chapter 3
• Benefits of choice (168-9)
  • Young children are more likely to do what is asked and less likely to misbehave.
  • Teenagers are more apt to share, feel better about themselves, like school more, and stay out of trouble.
  • College students are more likely to feel confident about themselves and persist in the face of difficulty or failure.
• Summary of research: “The way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions.” (169)
• Not just freedom to choose that makes a difference, it’s the parent-child interactions and conversations that have an impact. (172)
• When children know that things can be negotiated they tend to stop challenging decisions. (176)
• Children are less likely to to resist decisions they helped to make. (176)
• Children really respond when they are treated with respect, involved in problem solving and assumed to be well-intentioned. (174)
• Choice should be given in more than just trivial matters.
• When they have to do something, but don’t want to….
  • Use the least intrusive strategy.
  • Be honest.
  • Explain the rationale.
  • Turn it into a game.
  • Set an example.
  • Give as much choice as possible.
• Dealing with tantrums
  • Rule #1: Ignore everyone around you.
  • Rule #2: Imagine the situation from your child’s point of view.

QUESTIONS to CONSIDER

• What are some specific situations or trouble spots that come up in which you can offer choices or work with your child to set limits?
• What do you observe when you give choices versus times when you don’t?

* Summaries of chapters 1-8 

Approaching (shifting to) Unconditionality (p. 141)

• Be mindful of parenting unconditionally, thinking and reflecting.
• Consider yourself on the other end of your words and actions. Would you feel loved and accepted unconditionally?

To Minimize (p. 143)

• Limit the number of criticisms. (Be choosy.)
• Limit the scope of each criticism. (Be specific.)
• Limit the intensity of each criticism. (Be gentle.)
• Look for alternatives to criticism. (Say what you see and ask questions.)
• Move beyond tit for tat (and winning).

To Maximize (p. 146)

• Help them see effects on others.
• Stay positive as much as possible.
• Keep in mind why the child is acting that way. See the “vulnerable child behind the bothersome or menacing exterior.”
• Keep at it.

BIG IDEAS

QUESTIONS to CONSIDER

• How does your child seem to take your words and actions?
• What is your goal in praising or complimenting your child?
• If you had to pick your battles, which would you choose?

MAIN POINT: Shift from asking “How do I get my child to do what I say” to asking “What does my child need and how can I meet those needs? (p. 118)

BIG IDEAS

• There is no formula, so every parent/caregiver needs to “decide whether each idea sound reasonable, and, if so, how it may apply to raising your own child(ren).” (pp. 117-8)
• It is challenging to “work with” children, as it asks more of an adult than “doing to” requires. (p. 118)
• Must commit to taking children seriouslyto focus on their needs and to work with them to find solutions. (p.119)
  • express unconditional love
  • give children more chances to make decisions
  • imagine how things look (and feel) from your child’s perspective

The Guiding Principles

1. Be reflective. (The more you understand “what drives you crazy and why,” the more you can understand how your needs and beliefs affect how you are with your children. pp. 120-1)
2. Reconsider your requests. (Before working to get your child to do what you want, consider whether your request is as reasonable, necessary, valuable or desirable as you seem to think it is. Sometimes the problem is with the request, not the child. pp. 121-2)
3. Keep your eye on long-term goals. (When you focus on more than getting your child to obey, you can use better parenting skills and get better results. Example: Problem solving with your child who has spilled a drink moves you closer towards your goal of helping them be a compassionate person than just getting them to not make a mess through a range of punishments or rewards. (pp. 122-3)
4. Put the relationship first. (Being right, being in control, and having kids do what we want is not as important as having children feel safe and trusting. In fact, when children feel safe and trusting, and have a sense of autonomy they are more likely to tell about their mistakes and listen when we say something important. p.123)
5. Change how you see, not just how you act. (Misbehavior can be either a teachable moment to involve the child in problem solving or a call for punishment/consequences. p.124)
6. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. (Loving a child does not necessarily mean respecting them. Respecting their ideas, opinions, feelings, questions and concerns goes a long way towards taking children seriously. pp. 124-5)
7. Be authentic. (You have needs, feelings, thoughts. You don’t know sometimes and do the wrong thing sometimes. Apologize. Acknowledge your humanity. pp. 125-7)
8. Talk less; ask more. (Step one is to figure out what children need. Ask questions that have more than one answer or that you are unsure how your child will answer. Sometimes children just need a hug or a kiss or a loved one to stay close. pp. 127-9)
9. Keep their ages in mind. (Yes, children are incredibly capable, but some things are unrealistically high expectations. pp.129-130)
10. “Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts. (First, we don’t know for sure why a child acted as they did. Second, our beliefs create a self-fulfilling prophecy. pp. 130-3)
11. Don’t stick your no’s in unnecessarily. (Pick your battles, and say yes as much as possible. Try to think through the reason for your answer of “yes” or “no.” pp. 133-6)
12. Don’t be rigid. (Flexibility and spontaneity allow parents/caregivers to meet the needs of different children and to have the freedom to respond uniquely to each situation. Consistently unreasonable reactions, limitations and expectations are undesirable, despite a child’s need for predictability. pp. 136-7)
13. Don’t be in a hurry. (Work and think ahead to reduce the limitations of time constraints that often lead parents to coercive tactics. This also means enjoy your children while they are at the stage they are because they change quickly and childhood goes by fast. pp.138-9)

QUESTIONS to CONSIDER

• Which of these principles seems to pose the toughest challenge for you? Which might come easier to you?
• What are some requests that parents (yourself included?) usually make of children that may actually be unreasonable or unnecessary?
• What are your needs, and how might they come up during interactions with your child?
• What do you believe your child needs? How can you help them get their needs met?

BIG IDEAS

• Why do people parent conditionally if it is not doing what parents think it is doing, if it is producing results parents aren’t intending?
  • What we see and hear (pp. 94-97)
  • What we believe (pp. 97-105)
  • What we feel (pp. 105-107)
  • What we fear (pp. 107-116)
• Our society is unfriendly towards children, believing them to be rude, lazy, irresponsible and lacking in values. (p.97)
• If you don’t trust children, then you go out of your way to control them. (p.98)
• If you believe that kids are insufficiently controlled, you are more likely to gravitate towards a role that involves more control and more “discipline.” (p.99)
• Parenting is portrayed as a competition with children to outmaneuver, outwit, triumph and win the battle. (p.100)
• Expectations that overestimate children’s capabilities lead parents to feel frustrated and angry and to hold children accountable through control (punishments and rewards). (p. 100)
• Our family of origin influences whether we respect or disrespect our children, what makes us angry and frustrated, how we express our emotions. (p.105)
• Some parental fearsmay be:
  • parental inadequacy
  • powerlessness
  • being judged
  • children’s safety
  • permissiveness
• “Doing with” asks more of us than “doing to” all influence us to take the somewhat easier route of rewards and punishment.

QUESTIONS to CONSIDER

• What does a child’s misbehavior actually mean? What needs might a child be trying to meet? How might we, as parents and caregivers, use our understanding of a child’s need to respond with respect? (p.99)
• While parents may be controlling more and more on the homefront, schools also present places of control for children. Unless homeschooled or unschooled, most children spend the majority of the day having someone direct them. If school is a large amount of time in the life of a child, not to mentioned scheduled activities, how does this change the need for the home environment to offer a degree of safe choice and freedom? 
• What role do you think media portrayals of children and parents/adults play in how we parent (or are encouraged to parent)?
• How does what we do with our children and how we are with them have more to do with our needs, our fears, our upbringing than what is best or what we actually want for them? (What beliefs, fears, feelings or experiences about children and life influence your parenting?)